When I started on this new program it was after a 3 month “diet break.” I have struggled with my weight and my body image and disordered eating for over a decade. I was trapped in a cycle of restrictive eating that I couldn’t escape. I managed to lose “the weight” but the way I viewed my body never changed. It was a constant battle to maintain. I would gain a few pounds and then punish myself until they were gone again. I worried about everything I ate and exercise was something I did because I had to. I ate too little and worked out too much. Or ate too much and worked out too little. The only thing that remained constant was how much I hated what I saw when I looked in a mirror. Over ten years I changed physically, but what I neglected was on the inside. I needed to change how I looked at myself and how I thought about myself.
10 years of physical changes, zero mental progress.
This June, after a year of law school and more yo-yoing, I was tired. So I quit CrossFit, because you can’t sorta do CrossFit (also it’s friggin’ expensive). And I quit paleo, because you can’t sorta do paleo (and I like carbz). I stopped thinking about it, because I had just had enough of everything. I ate food and moved when I felt like it. I gained some weight, but something amazing happened. I began to feel better. I learned to eat when I felt like eating and what I felt like eating. I began to first forgive my body, and then learn to appreciate it for all the amazing things it allows me to do.
After a summer of this I started to feel like I was healing. I began to miss the gym. And I started cleaning up my diet again. I joined a “Globo Gym” (seriously, the nicest Gold’s Gym ever) and started learning about flexible dieting or “if it fits your macros” (IIFYM). The key for me was to make sure I was eating enough and enough of the right things. I tracked my calories and macros for a couple of months, until I got the feel for it. For the last three weeks I’ve just been going “by feel” again and I feel great. I eat when I’m hungry, and I stick mostly to whole foods because that’s what makes me feel the best. I have a piece of pie when I want it, or a glass of wine if it sounds good. But it doesn’t sound good nearly as often as it used to. And I’ve been lifting lots of heavy weights because it feels amazing and I’m starting to see muscles and I LOVE that. I love feeling strong and in control. There is still progress to be made, but I’m actually happy in the moment. I’m not waiting for some arbitrary number on the scale or until I can see my abs. THAT is the biggest accomplishment of all.
Left: 9/23/13, 156 lbs. Right: 12/4/13, 154 lbs.
Left: 9/23/13, 156 lbs. Right: 12/4/13, 154 lbs.
Left: 9/23/13, 156 lbs. Right: 12/4/13, 154 lbs.
